I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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