I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
