I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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