Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
