I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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