he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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