A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
