I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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