I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
