Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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