i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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