Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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