I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
