Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
