You made me cry and you don't even care
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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