The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
