I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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