I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Randomize
