I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
