Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
