She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
