I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
