I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
