when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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