I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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