I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
