after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
