ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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