We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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