i don't like sucking hair
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
