Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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