I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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