After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
