I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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