Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
