and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
