All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
