where am i from again
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
