I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
