i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I need a beard to bite.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
