Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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