yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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