and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
