I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
