I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize