I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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