Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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