just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
