I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
