two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
