After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
