I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
