tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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