We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
