i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I want to fling myself into the sun
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
