i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
