sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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