my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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