Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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